Paul Kalanithi spent his life wondering about the purpose of life, and as a doctor he counseled many patients through the journey into death, but it wasn't until his own diagnosis of terminal cancer that he began to come up with really good answers. This book is the incredibly tragic memoir of a young doctor who develops cancer right as he is finishing his residency as a neurosurgeon/scientist. The irony of the story is that he has seemingly been preparing to write a book about the meaning of life right up until his diagnosis, and in confronting his own death it is as if he is fulfilling his life's purpose in counseling countless others through death. As a person who is not dying, I still found the lessons applicable to my life and spent the week really ruminating on the choices that I make.
We've been reading a lot in my classroom of late. Like, in a 50 minute block I'm trying to preserve between 15 and 20 minutes for students to read. I've committed to reading a book per week, because that's what I'm asking my students to do. When Breath Becomes Air has been right on for this point in the year because I've really been trying to "shift" the reasons why I'm making my students read. While it began as a way to boost reading level and test scores, I realized that I never would have chosen to read under those circumstances. I read because I love reading. If I learned that I were going to die in 1 year, or ten, I would make sure that reading was still a major part of my life, because I love it and it gives my life purpose. My students are TEARING up the books. They've finished every graphic novel in my collection. I just bought the Baby-Sitters Club Graphic Novels so that I can keep the girls in books. Though they are finishing books faster than I can recommend them, I've noticed that it's rare that students make real connections with the books. Probably why they still find it so boring. One student, a recent immigrant from Cuba, was reading Gene Luen Yang's American Born Chinese, a great graphic novel about a recent Chinese immigrant and his struggles to learn English and fit in at his new school. I asked him if he identified at all with the main character and he said no because he's a Chinese kid. What? These two kids are so alike that it's shocking to me. In an effort to help students connect more with their books I've begun sharing my thoughts and connections with the books I'm reading. I posted the following quote from When Breath Becomes Air on our classroom quote wall:
"Paul," he said, "do you think my life has meaning? Did I make the right choices?"
How often have I wondered exactly that. So many days of the week I show up to school and I wonder, "Does this work have meaning? Am I making a difference?"
A student from last year showed up at school recently. This happens on occasion, but this student... We sat in the principals office with two days of school to go. Student, Mom, Principal, Me. I don't remember what the student did, but it was ultimately something silly. It was a final straw in a long line of offenses: refusal to work, cursing at the teacher, bullying other students... you name a low level middle school offense and this kid had done it. I spent two years counseling student through his behavior, but he was over it. He was ready to drop out and get a job in roofing. His mom and I were both in tears, pleading with him to give school a chance, to make it through just four more years till he could graduate high school.
"Just suspend me. I don't care about you! I don't care about any of this!" he shouted as he turned his back and stormed out of the office.
Imagine my surprise when eight months later he's walking toward my classroom with a sheepish look on his face and greets me with a big hug. He says that after a tumultuous start to the beginning of the year, he's now making B's and C's and shooting for A's. He has his eye on college, maybe a business degree, maybe a trade school to get his auto-mechanics license. He's not sure, but whatever he does, it's going to be a choice that he makes rather than one made for him out of necessity and limited options. He tells me that he's trying to stay out of trouble, but it hasn't been easy because his old friends and enemies are trying to pull him back in. He was on the bus home wondering how to handle the group of young men waiting to jump him at his house when the bus stopped near my school and he decided to get off and just come visit me instead of going home. He had a mature, well-thought out plan for how he was going to handle the situation.
I'm not going to lie, when I saw him walking up the hall I was half convinced that he was going to tell me he'd dropped out. Under no circumstances would I want someone to read this and think, "Wow, what a great lady. She saved that kid!" Because that is not what happened. He had several teachers who fought hard for him over the last couple of years in addition to a mom who tells him every day before he leaves for school about the sacrifices she is making so that he can get an education. He has a little sister who tells him how much she looks up to him and a step-dad who tells him that roofing is back-breaking work and that he can do better. Though I do not bear sole responsibility for his success, it still feels so affirming for a kids to show up nearly a year later and say, "You were right Miss, and I hope you're proud of me."
How funny that in the week that I am reading a book really causing me to reflect on the meaning of life and my capital P, Purpose; a former student should show up and basically tell me that I shouldn't be doubting myself so much because I am making a difference. One of my favorite things about reading is when everything in your life begins to align with the book you are reading. I wonder what it is that makes this phenomenon possible, and how do I make it happen for my students?
